Goodbye

Date: 1/3/2024

Blix decided that it was time to end her life. I'm not sure why, there wasn't an official narrative reason like a terminal illness that was just going to get worse or anything like that, but there also wasn't a sense that this was a rash unreasonable decision. She wasn't emotional about it, she seemed at peace with her decision. She was just going to take a pill and go to sleep. At first I just supported her decision and seemingly didn't think much of it. I was playing some weird game where you walk through a sort of low-poly obstacle course along a weird narrow board/path with old-school Doom-style movement and maybe Minecraft-esque graphics? I made it to the end and dropped into a big vial with a weird bagel at the bottom that had dish-sponge-flavored cream cheese on it lmao. I brought it over to Blix and Shayla to brag that I'd beaten the game. Blix wanted to eat the bagel, I was like should I scrape the gross cream cheese off?, but she said it was fine. Shayla was talking to me about the game I think. Then Blix said it was time, she had the pill in her hand. I began to feel uneasy with this decision and asked her to please wait and talk about this. She asked Shayla "didn't you try this before?" and Shayla said "almost, but then I realized it was a terrible idea and I didn't want to do it". I was hoping this would dissuade Blix, but it didn't seem to. I got more panicked and started rapidly saying like "please please please baby wait just hold on please don't do this please" etc etc stuff like that. Blix was just kinda looking at me with a slight smile. Suddenly I was like "wait, did you already take the pill??", and she just smiled and gave me a closed-eyed nod. I started to beg and plead more desperately, thinking maybe I can convince her to throw it up or something? But I also realized that this might really be the end, and that I should spend our final moments more compassionately and connected and be there for her... Idk, I woke up right around then. It was like 5:50am and I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to go into Blix's room to make sure she was alive, but I've recently been sick so I stripped the bedding and took a shower first, then went in and she was alive. Weird morning so far. It still makes me start crying every time I think about the moment she confirmed that she'd already taken the pill.