“Two Can Play That Game.”

Date: 6/17/2020

My daughter had told me that she was never coming home. I felt angry and hurt. My mum then called me and told me she was ashamed of me and that I was a terrible parent. I tried to get my point across, but she kept shouting. In the end, I was screaming down the phone to be heard, but she just hung up. Enraged, I told my husband about it and he told me not to worry. He then told me that he would be okay if I wanted to sleep with other people(?!) This both confused and hurt me. I felt like it was all a cunning plan to give him a free pass to sleep with others, too, if he so wished. That night, he went out on the “toon”, leaving me home alone. There was a knock at the door and this random guy walked in, armed with 5 different variations of bongs and a huge amount of weed. Bags and suitcases full. My eyes lit up. “You want some?” He asked. I nodded, but said “can we smoke it outside? It’s going to make the whole house stink and my husband will know I’ve had a visitor.” (Not that it would matter, he had given me a green card and all that.) I didn’t sleep with this random guy. I took one hit of a bong and felt overwhelmed by tiredness, so I took myself off to bed. I woke up in the early hours of the morning. When I went downstairs, the place was an absolute mess. This guy and his friends were still in full swing party mode and had even brought the Firepit inside and had “accidentally” set fire to all my husbands coats/jackets and christ knows what else. There was ash absolutely everywhere and the place was stinking of weed. I wanted to cry. Instead, I took a deep breath and got my trustee Henry hoover out... but even that had been broken. They had attached the suction tubes to one of their bongs as an “experiment.” I then realised that my husband was yet to come home. It was quarter past 3 in the morning. Had he pulled an all nighter? Had he gone back with another woman? All sorts of crazy thoughts entered my mind. I started to cry and this guy threw his arms around me and whispered “Do the right thing.” I shook my head and I said that it wasn’t that easy. There was then a loud knock at the door. A police lady entered. She looked extremely serious. “I’m arresting you for attempted murder.” She said, glumly. “Who? Me?” I asked, gobsmacked and confused. “Yes... you.” She replied, cuffing my wrists. I then embarked on the ‘walk of shame’ through the town, all eyes on me. I didn’t even know what this was all about?! Next scene; I was hanging out with Ricky Gervais in his tiny bedsit. He was showing me his collection of small animals. We then started kissing and ended up, I’m ashamed to say it, sleeping together. I’m not going into details because... come on... this is Ricky Gervais 🤢 I don’t find Ricky remotely attractive, but he was a surprisingly good lay and very attentive. Next scene; I was in a backroom at this airport. This stern looking chinese lady was scanning my passport (which wasn’t actually my passport - it was a forged passport) I think she had cottoned on and she told me that she’d let me off on this occasion, but not to use it again. I was thankful and departed.