Sex, Drugs and Dodgy Tans

Date: 5/3/2017

There was a loud BANG from upstairs. Cautiously, I tiptoed up the stairs to find out where the noise had come from... only to find an intruder standing in the corner of the room. I could see him in the mirror and when he clocked me, he ran passed me at rocket speed. I tried to chase him out of the house, but I couldn't keep up. "Call the police!" I screamed. "He was wearing a red tracksuit. Tell them that he was wearing a red tracksuit!" I yelled. The neighbours outside, started climbing out of their windows. Did he break into their homes too? I wondered. Apparently, they all wanted to help in my search for this man. Next scene; I was scrolling through my Instagram (I haven't even got an Instagram) to see that I had recieved hundred of likes. I got excited, but this soon fizzled when I realised it wasn't on my photo but rather a tattoo studio page. I sighed in disappointment and switched on the TV ...and, lo and behold, a TV show about a tattoo studio was on. As I was watching it, my daughter Phoebe walked into the room and I was mortified because there was a guy going down on a girl on the tattoo chair. I clumsily tried to change the channel, but it wouldn't budge..."you need to go to bed!" I snapped, "Now, quickly, go to bed!" Next scene: I was in the back of a taxi with my best friend kylie. I reached inside my pocket and pulled out an ecstasy pill. I was going to slip it ALL into my friend's mouth, but then I bit it in half and we shared. As we swallowed them, I put a huge book over our faces so nobody could see what we were doing. Next scene; I was at a social event. A house party it seemed to be (looked a little bit like the Geordie Shore House only cleaner!) I asked the girl next to me if I could 'even out' my fake tan with her bottle. My tan was a striped disaster and I felt really self-conscious. I rubbed it over my body with with my hands and it went all over my light blue jumper. "Oh shit!" I thought. Next scene; my daughter Phoebe had cut my hair. It was short at front and long at the back (like a mullet) "Can you cut my hair the same length at the back?" I asked. "Just leave it!" Mat said "it looks alright!" I looked at him in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? You think this looks alright?"