"Smell my bum!"

Date: 10/30/2016

I was at the fairground with my mum. I remember feeling as excited as a child in a sweet shop. But my fun was soon ruined by this thieving gypsy girl who kept stealing my things when I wasn't looking. I got so angry in the end, that I resorted in using violence (which is completely out of character for me!) I hit her repeatedly in the face with my heavy handbag with a feeling of pleasure from doing so. Stupidly, I didn't learn from my mistake and so I kept leaving my bag in different places , unattended. Thankfully, when I looked in my bag, all the contents were still there. On the rollercoaster ride it was forbidden to take sweets with you , so I shoved my refreshers into my pocket. This was the last ride before we were jetting off to some far away destination - my mum and I. Before we left, I withdrew some money from an ATM and then I played this musical instrument which was so low pitched it could be heard by only animals at night. It looked like a mix between a triangle and a penny whistle. After my musical outburst, I walked through the terminal to find a billboard of Louisa Johnson (from last years X factor) coming to life. She looked anorexic. Spooked, I quickly walked past it. Suddenly my son, Maxi, appeared and there was an update on his iPhone "I hate it. I can't use it now!" He complained. "You'll get used to it!" I reassured him. Next scene; Grandpa Mike came over to the house on Maxi's birthday - he was now talking to his son (my ex-husband) and they seemed to have made peace with one another. I remember feeling relieved about this - no more conflict. The car he gave maxi as a present turned from an "overlooked" ornament into something all singing, all dancing. It was like a miniature car with working windscreen wipers and everything... "But it doesn't have lights!" My son said sadly. Grandpa sighed. "I would have given my weight in chocolate Trio bars to own such an amazing gift when I was your age!" I thought to myself, shocked at my son's resistance. Sharon from Birds of a Feather/Dawn my childhood neighbour and mum were in the kitchen laughing, joking and pulling funny faces. "They are drunk" Kylie and I thought, smiling to each other. We then left them to it and started looking around a junk store in awe of all the ...umm...JUNK. "Aww that would look so nice as a place to house all my threads!" I beamed excitedly. There was also the remnants of someone's wedding - "When we get married again..." Kylie said, and then hesitated. I looked at her in shock, "AGAIN!" I laughed. We then hugged Sharon/Dawn goodbye, but it was an awkward hug. Her breasts were too large and got in the way. I could feel her erect nipples digging into my skin like bullets. "Ouch!" I thought. My mum then led me into a garden where I found my daughter, Phoebe, lounging on the ground. My mum called me to one side and whispered "Phoebe told me that she hates her father and never wants to see him again!" I felt relieved. "Now go and hug your daughter!" My mum said. I ran over to Phoebe and we sobbed into each other's arms. My sob sounded unauthentic - like a really bad actor - was I putting it on? I was in what looked like a church hall, with chairs placed in front of a large screen. The cream curtains were drawn. I was watching this very strange movie along with other parents. The movie featured a female amputee who had been in a freak surf accident, but instead of having a regular pair of false legs she came galloping in on a pair of oversized horse legs. Her younger sister sighed heavily "Oh! Not those again!" And hung her head in shame. "Okay, unzip me!" The amputee woman resisted. The sister unzipped the horse legs to revealed a pair of regular "healthy" legs underneath. Had she been lying all along? During the feature, I was sat next an Indian family and their cat - who kept lifting its tail up and sticking its bum in my face. I couldn't smell anything, but the thought of having it's "anal-sacks" glaring me in the eye didn't sit comfortably with me. The more I shooed it away, the more it would lift its bum into my face. "Sorry!" The mother of the family said, pushing the cat away. She had three children including a really cute baby. I started cooing over the baby and stroking her hair, but then I noticed that her eyes were bulging out of their sockets and I stopped. I made an excuse and sat over the other side of the room next to Kirsty Holgate (from High-school) and her fidgeting son. I was so bored by the production, I found myself watching videos on my iPhone instead. I could feel Mr "coconut head" Mackenzie's (my old school tutor) eyes burning into the back of my head - he didn't approve. Then my friend, Ash, called me from the corridor door. "Let's go to the bathroom!" She said, with a wink. It was Kylie's birthday and we had all arranged a party for her, but as we were walking to the venue, a panic washed over me. I had accidentally sent a message meant for Kylie to the group chat slagging off one of the girls she had invited, saying that I met her while in Newlook and she was absolute bitch. Although Kylie agreed with my harsh statement, she was livid that I had been so stupid to send it to the group chat. This was the most angry I had ever seen her. "I'll be staying at my house tonight" she yelled, as she stormed ahead to the party venue. Inside, the party wasn't really "happening" It was quiet and a bunch of middle-aged people were stood around looking awkward. One of those people was a dad from the school my boys go to. He was being really rude to me and scolding me like a child for standing too close to the 'inside' BBQ. I turned around to him and said "I'm sorry, but I have just separated from my husband!" To find he had walked off, uninterested. At the party I struggled to find someone to make conversation with (everyone else seemed to hate me after my rant) and I felt like all eyes were on me - burning into my soul. Suddenly, my sons appeared, and so I decided to take them for a walk to get some fresh air. "Maybe I should just go?"I thought to myself. As I walked the boys around the grounds that surrounded the venue, we saw one of their teachers, who quickly cooed over Maxi and then rushed off to get a pre-holiday spray tan. I walked back to the venue to find Kylie and tell her that I would go home with the kids, but when I walked through the door, I felt like everyone hated me and was secretly slagging me off (now I knew what it felt like!) I couldn't remember what the girl looked like - the one who I slagged off - so when a girl came running down the stairs crying, I assumed it was her - but it wasn't. "She's got a bleeding nose! We need to get her to hospital!" Her friends called out, running behind her. But then I saw one very angry looking girl with dark hair - "BINGO! This must be her!" I thought to myself, a feeling of nervousness arose inside me. "It's YOU!" She shouted "Don't you think you have some nerve coming here!" I tried to come up with every apology under the sun but as I spoke I felt my teeth loosen and I became conscious that they could drop at any point. Plus, she wasn't having any of it - she was angry at me and wanted to remain angry with me. "I'm glad I slagged her off, she IS a bitch!" I thought, gripping onto my teeth to keep them in place. I quickly scanned the room for Kylie but I couldn't find her. I felt like the room was slowly closing in around me. I had to get out. When I got out of the building with my sons in tow, relief flooded over me. "Let's go home, boys!" I smiled, relieved to be out of there but worried about my teeth. I had made an emergency dental appointment because of my loose teeth. Since the party, I had made a makeshift retainer to hold them into place made out of a melted milk container. It wasn't doing the job very well because every time I spoke, the plastic jiggled around in my mouth. The dentist was having a look at my notes, when Mat barged in with his notes. The dentist and Mat then started to compare notes, while I was sat in the chair, thinking "Can you just fix my loose teeth already. This is humiliating!" "You have great teeth, young man!" The dentist said to Mat. "But his teeth are falling apart, this must be bullshit!" I thought, but resisted myself from saying.