NOT THE MAN BUN!

Date: 12/4/2016

I was walking home with 'man bun' and he was being particularly tactile - loving and hugging me. We were chatting away, talking about spirituality. But then I ended up in bed with him and he was being a complete arsehole. He kept wrapping his legs around me, but I felt very uncomfortable. I noticed that the bottom of both legs were missing. We then had an argument and I got up. I didn't want him to get out of the duvet because I was scared to see his legs (or lack of!) He continued being an arsehole, so I grabbed my things including some 'mole remover' - which belonged to him. It was still in its Amazon packaging. "That'll teach him for being a dick!" I thought. He climbed out of bed with prosthetic legs. I quickly ran out to find that I had left my favourite pair of boots there. When I looked in my bag, he had also taken my car key. "What am I going to do?" I panicked. Next scene; I was back at Heathfield school talking to another mother about how hard Phoebe's English homework was. As I walked towards the entrance, Kendal Jenner walked passed me and glared at me - it was at this point, I realised I had a wet flannel dripping between my legs "where did this come from?" I wondered. "I'd better get rid of this!" I panicked. Then there was a black boy urinating in the middle of the school entrance. His mother told him it was fine to go there, but I thought "how inconsiderate!" Next scene; I was walking down the road with my friend Kylie when I saw a huge shadow on the ground. Startled, I looked up to find a gigantic giraffe wondering the streets like a lost lamb. "I would hate to have a house in this street!" I said, "it would get crushed! Next scene; I was at this social gathering - a house party, perhaps? As I walked up the stairs, a song began to play and I screeched out "it's the Jew song! It's the jew song!" I pulled out my phone and started texting my friend Kylie to tell her. I requested the song to be played again by the Dj but he played the Friends theme tune instead... (although I thought I had been pretty clear with my request!) and then I had this image of old people in a hair salon, doing the 'clapping' part with what looked like chocolate around their mouths. "It's not even funny!" Kylie said, appearing out of thin air. I then walked downstairs to find my father in what had turned into my hallway (but it was slightly larger!) he was looking through old newspapers... "This is a good one, If you want to read it? There's a free DVD you can watch!" he said excitedly. "Yeah, I'll read that one!" I said, taking the newspaper and tucking it under my arm. I believe it was The Sun (my dads favourite!) It didn't cross my mind that my father had been dead for 6 years. Next scene; I was on a posh 4 poster bed. There was a large wall length mirror. I tried to recreate the Nikki Minaj album cover but my bottom looked crinkly like a shrivelled up crisp packet. "This isn't the look I had in mind!" I thought to myself, and then gave up.