My heart

Date: 12/6/2021

I dream that I am at some nightmare mall with never ending twists and turns and things that are constantly changing what they are. I am initially there with Stephan, a woman, and Mikey and his girlfriend. I am “with” Stephan and the woman, and for some reason Mikey is mad about this, he hates it. Before we are at the mall, which really compound is a better word, Stephan is showing me a two story house that Mikey and Laura own and have suggested we move into. The second story, though, is dilapidated like an old barn and falling apart, there are bugs that wander down to the first floor where we would live. I ask about fixing it up and Stephan says they don’t have the money and I say that I can cover the costs if everyone else just chips in money every month to pay me back. They are not interested in that. We are at the mall compound and we park close to the bottom level entrance where the main show that we are going to see is. We all go in together to see a show, I am more in love with the woman than I am Stephan but I am equally attached to them both. After the show is over we are standing in line to leave when most people are just able to leave. I ask why we have to stand in this line and it’s because we picked up prescription medications while we were inside and they have to be checked before we are able to leave. While we are in the line I am looking at essential oils. We get outside and start walking back to the cars when I get thirsty and stop inside a building to find a water fountain. The building is masked like a Buddhist/Wiccan church/store and it is on the floor above where we parked. I tell Stephan and the rest of them that I will meet them at the car. For some reason I set off alarms when I go get the water but they are silent and they take my picture. Things start flashing and I go to leave. When I walk outside everything has changed. The stores all look different, the parking lot is different, I don’t know where I am. I can hear Stephan and everyone else when I yell for them but when I try to follow his voice the pathways keep shifting and I cannot get to them in a straight line. I turn back towards where the show was and now that building has changed. I keep wandering around and go up to another floor where there are so many people, I pass by my friend Josh but try to avoid him seeing me because I am too upset at not being able to find Stephan. I am getting angry and upset, I hate being lost and I have no idea where I am. My sense of direction gets getting turned around. I am both inside and outside and there are so many floors in this mall. As I’m looking around even though Stephan isn’t there I am having a conversation with him. I pass by a woman who he says told him once she had a crush on him and get even more upset and angry. I turn around to confront her but she is gone. He tells me she told him it was just a fleeting crush that she felt after she saw him after he went for a run in the morning, before we knew each other. But i know what it means when someone tells you they had a fleeting crush on you, that it is an invitation. I am still by myself and Stephan is no longer talking to me. I pass by a store with a bunch of rough, large stones out front of it- the stones are big enough to sit on. I hear a voice tell me that these are the people I have loved. I keep going and pass by another store, a Vision eyeglass store, with more stones out front of it and it is the same thing, they are the people that I have loved. I am still just trying to get back to the cars but things just keep changing and I have no sense of direction anymore and I am so close to crying and crying out. I pass by a theme park with a fake waterfall out front but I know if I pass through that waterfall I will go to the land of the souls that have passed and I run by it. I see a wall with another floor above it and I am somehow able to climb the wall to a small deck which leads to inside a room that is like an audition room. There is a woman sitting a computer and she says, “Wow that was a great performance what do you call that piece?” And I throw something at her and say “My heart, my fucking heart.” And I am still upset but calming down, it’s like it was all a performance but I didn’t know it until that moment. I can leave now and when I go through the audition room and exit outside I am by the stairs that lead down to where the cars are and where everyone is waiting for me. I take Stephan and the woman’s hands, one of each of mine and let stephan lead us down to the cars. I kiss the woman on her cheek, a kiss like I haven’t seen her in so long and I am incredibly relieved at being back with them. They all ask me where I was and I try to explain the shifting names and directions of everything, how every time I went into a store or building and came out it was all different but they don’t understand. Everything looks normal as we leave.