The One Where Diego Gives Us a Tour

Date: 7/29/2019

Diego (Dora’s cousin) is a real person. He’s giving my family a wildlife tour of some desert area. He’s bringing us to see the wolves. Suddenly, he speeds ahead of us and leaves a dust storm behind him. I notice that there’s blood and fur all over the ground and I get a little anxious. I get the feeling that something killed the wolves. My mom comes over and says, “He told me that we couldn’t go near the lions because they can swallow people whole!” I want to inform her that this isn’t possible, but I keep my mouth shut ... Hannah B (from Bachelorette), a guy and I (but I’m someone else) have to climb a fire escape — which looks more like an enormous playground jungle gym — to overcome our fear of heights. Hannah has a little dog in her arms, and some tv producers are trying to help her down because she’s panicking. I start to climb the thing when I realize I’m not actually afraid of heights ... There’s a bowl of raviolis on the counter and my dad is giving me crap about it. He wants to know why I won’t tell him what they’re for. I quickly say: “You wanna know why? Because I’m going to say, ‘I made them for a friend’ and then you’re going to say, ‘What friend?’ and then I’m going to say, ‘Olivia,’ and then you’re going to say, ‘Who’s Olivia?’ and I’m going to say, ‘A girl I know’ and you’re going to say, ‘Where do you know her from?’ and then I’m going to say, ‘School’ and you’re going to say, ‘Is she triggered?!’”