O is for Orgasm 💦

Date: 9/21/2019

I was at this giant swimming pool with the cast of Love Island 2018. We were all taking part in this rather strange gameshow in which we were challenged to throw as many chocolate bars into the water as possible. I picked up some KitKat Chunky’s and started lobbing them in but, for some unknown reason, I thought this was absolutely hilarious and started howling in laughter. Jack Fincham turned to look at me and said in a really ‘poshe’ accent, “You’re really distracting me!” Next scene; I was over a friends house when the doorbell kept ringing. She was getting really pissed off. In the end, she could take it no longer and we both went to open the door. It turned out to be these protesters... something about saving the environment. They were very hostile and up their own arse. They basically said that we needed to sign up to their cause or they’d fuck us up. Whatever that meant. We pretended that we’d sign up later but, instead, we decided to take revenge on these (eco)arsewipes and off we walked into the night, armed with god knows what. I wasn’t really in on the plan, but Fran knew exactly what she was doing and ‘ain’t nobody’ gonna stop her! She told me to stand across the road as she walked into what looked like The Plough (a local pub) where they were all hanging out and then 2 seconds later she ran back out and told me to cover my ears. “What have you done?” I asked, confused by the whole situation. *BAM!* There was a huge explosion and the whole place got blown to smithereens. Fran turned to look at me and said, “Shit just went down!” My eyes widened. “What the fuck have you done?” I wanted to say, but the words never fell from my lips. Next scene; I was visiting a service user who has recently been diagnosed with cancer. She was behaving quite erratically and there were a fair few professionals dotted around the room, observing her behaviour. “For the love of god!” I thought, “the girl just needs a hug.” I walked over and threw my arms around her and told her how sorry I was. “But why are you sorry?” She asked, now sobbing hysterically. “Because you’re going through a hard time.” I replied. “But why do you think I’m going through a hard time?” She questioned. I had lost my words. Literally couldn’t find anything to say, so was rescued by some others who came over to comfort her. I then left and visited a different service user (Who lives in the same block) but his girlfriend was there ‘surprise, surprise’ and she was being a stubborn as an arsehole again and refused to leave. So, I decided to leave instead. No point in doing support if she’s hanging around like some fly circling dog shit. As I walked out, I saw that the neighbours door was slightly ajar and curiosity got the better of me. I snuck in as quietly as I could and this old lady who was asleep, open mouthed, in her chair. Like, completely zonked out. I then realised that this was my Nanny’s old flat but it had been renovated. They’d done a good job, actually. Very swish. Next scene; My friend had texted the group chat about how she’d split up with her boyfriend ‘for good’. I remember thinking “WTF?!” But cheekily wanted to reply... “does this mean we can hook up?” Before I could press ‘send’ she’d sent all these pictures of her daughter, who had plastered dinosaur stickers all over her walls. I later found out that my son had plastered dinosaur stickers all over the bath. Apparently my mum had bought them for him “they’re re-stickable!” She said, appearing out of nowhere. Next scene; There was this long table that was situated bang in the middle of town (outside NatWest, of all places!) There were few spare seats, but I decided to be anti-social and sit on a separate table altogether. My friend’s husband, Aksen, came over and asked me why I didn’t want to sit at the table and enjoy his food. He seemed really offended. Feeling guilty, I said, “Okay, okay...I’ll moved tables!” My friend Ash then appeared and she looked really different. I couldn’t put my finger on why this was, but it just felt wrong. I then realised that I was dreaming and became lucid... *Lucid* So I chose to change the dreamscape and run naked through a wheat field instead. Which, of course, was hugely liberating. I ran and I ran, arms spread open. I may’ve even been yelling. After a while, I reached these big letters made out of what looked like astroturf and I was climbing on them. I settled on a huge ‘O’ and sat in the middle of it and started to rub my naked ‘parts’ against it until I ... orgasmed. It was ... OUTSTANDING! 😉