The One With the Midgets From Albany

Date: 5/16/2019

There are two bags of chocolate chip cookies. I empty one out into a bin and decide to keep the other for myself ... I’m walking around in a dark parking lot and my nose starts bleeding all over me. I bump into Blane and he freaks out when he sees me covered in blood ... It’s daytime, and I’m with my mom and Mrs. Jacque. I ask my mom how long it takes you to recover from labor (so I know if Rose will be able to be in the wedding). She starts talking about how it took her a really long time because she “tore the brass tape.” I tell her that I don’t even want to know what that means. Mrs. Jacque goes to leave the parking lot we’re standing in and my mom hugs her, but she barely hugs back. I hug her too ... I’m in a house. I’m taking care of Asher’s snake. He’s bright green, but when I pick him up, he changes back to his original color. It’s the coolest thing ever. I think about how I wish I could have a snake, and then turn around to find what’s supposed to be my tortoise enclosure. Cam and Ferris are inside, and so is a large python. I think about how it’s dumb that Brody won’t let me get a snake because I’ve had a snake the whole time. I open up his enclosure and he slithers onto me and rests around my neck (now he’s some kind of black snake). I try to keep the little snake away from him. I start to hear “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon, but as I start to follow the music, I realize that it’s actually Brooke White from American Idol (Brooke actually did sing this). I realize that I transported into her season of American Idol, but she’s the runner-up (I’m confused by this because I remember that she sucked). They’re performing on some SeaWorld-like stage, and I see Darren Criss wearing a blue suit and dancing dramatically while she performs. I remember that he wins the season (even though he was never on American Idol). As I watch him dance, I think to myself, “How did no one know that he was gay?” (even though he’s not gay). I start to walk toward him and realize that this can’t be the finale yet because there are four midgets with him and they’re on the show too. I ask Darren why they have so many midgets, and he says it’s because the Publix in Albany closed down. The midgets hear this and start to laugh.