"Been using your penis pump lately?"

Date: 3/14/2017

I was packing my things in preparation for a night out with the girls, but as I got halfway down the road - suitcase in hand - I realised I had forgotten a load of things... including my all-important pot of nail polish. So I turned back and grabbed my 'forgotten things'. When I got to my friend Kylie's house, I was showing her what I had brought. I put on a black playsuit that I thought looked smoking hot but she said it looked too "funeral". I was like "Seriously? Who would wear a playsuit to a funeral?" Despite her lack of enthusiasm, I decided to go with the back playsuit regardless. The next thing I knew, we were sat around a table and I noticed that the bottle of Vodka (got to keep the cost down!) Kylie put into my bag had leaked over everything. "Dammit!" I hissed. Before we got into the flow of the night, Kylie had run off to meet her boyfriend, Alex. I was left with her friend Amy and things were awkward between us. I tried to make small talk... "Umm, been using your penis pump lately?" I asked (Reality note; my question was redundant - Amy is a GIRL and she doesn't have a penis!) After traipsing around town trying to locate kylie, we found her with Alex at a romantic candlelit meal. Amy was so pissed off, she pushed Alex clean off his chair. We were all in shock. When I got home at the end of a 'pretty disastrous' night, I gazed into the mirror to find that my eyebrows had been drawn as one long one: "Oh my god! I can't believe no one told me my eyebrows looked so horrendous!" I gasped. Next scene; I was with a family I didn't recognised and we were being chased out of our own home by these scary men with big machine guns. While they roamed the house trying to find us, we hid the laundry cupboard. After awhile, we mustered up some courage and legged it to the car, leaving most of our belongings behind. But we didn't care, we were alive!